Choked
by BlurtItAllOut
Summary: He needs Blaine. He *needs* Blaine. Why isn't Kurt allowed to keep anything good in his life, why can't anything come up Hummel's for once? He didn't get Tony, he lost the student president election, he never got any solos after Blaine came to McKinley being all alpha gay and amazing, and now he didn't get NYADA. (One shot)


**I've had a really shitty week with a lot of bad news and broken dreams, and I have cried more than I probably did in all of 2013 together. I've rewatched season 3 in its entirety in three days, and thus got the inspiration to write this. It's written in one go, with quite a few tears and little attention to anything but writing my heart out - so I'm sorry for bad language, improper language, and generally crappy writing. This is my therapy and coping mechanism, and I've hurt with Kurt these days because it's easier than to hurt with me. **

**If we still need spoiler warning for season 3, this one shot spoils a lot of what goes on in season 3, especially the final episodes.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, I only borrow for therapy.**

* * *

"I didn't get in…" Kurt blinks furiously, willing the cruel words on the one-paged letter to change. "I didn't get in!" It's getting difficult to breathe, for real, and Rachel hurries to comfort him. Finn wraps a warm hand around his neck, and encourages Rachel to open her letter instead. Someone needs to receive good news today.

With her back to them, it's impossible to garner her first response, her initial reaction. When she finally turns around, she doesn't look sad, but almost apologetic. Kurt knows it before she says it.

"I got in."

Finn looks torn, and lets go of his shoulder to embrace his fiancée, who's crying and smiling widely, but trying to curb her joy faced with the two most important boys in her life and their painfully fresh rejections.

"We're going to New York," she whispers, briefly meeting Kurt's eyes over Finn's shoulder, before burying her face in his chest again. "I got in… We'll all…"

But how can the three of them go to New York as they planned to, when only one of them has a reason to be there?

Rachel is shaking in Finn's arms, crying silently, probably from both joy and emphatic disappointment, and Finn looks helplessly at Kurt. He extends a hand as if to add him to the hug, but Kurt shakes his head and backs away. He can't. She choked. She _choked_, and still got in. Kurt's plans are with a few ink splats on a white sheet of paper ruined, he's lost everything, he has no plan B, this was it. He doesn't know what to do. He just… He can't even look at Rachel now.

"I need Blaine," he whispers, and slowly backs towards the door, meeting Finn's pleading eyes, but shakes his head, turns around and runs out of the choir room. Fuck the pact; he just can't be there now. He needs his boyfriend!

With tears streaming down his face, almost blinding him, he runs out of the empty school, towards his car. This close after graduation on a Saturday early afternoon, nobody is around. The school is slowing down, preparing to bid Class of 2012 goodbye and get a summer of rest before accepting the new Freshmen. Every football game, Cheerio practice, extracurricular activity and detention are behind them. Even the Skanks are nowhere to be seen. Nostalgia brought the three of them back, wanting to open their letters in a room that holds a special place for their unique threesome.

Nothing but muscle memory brings him to his car, where he knows Blaine is waiting patiently for him, not wanting to intrude on the stupid pact he'd made with Rachel and Finn to open their acceptance letters together before moving to New York to live together. Together, they'd do everything together. Except, he didn't get in…

"Kurt?" Blaine yelps, surprised by the hurried pace that brings Kurt back to the Navigator. He leaps down from the hood, and catches Kurt, who all but falls into Blaine's arms. The impact forces both boys on their knees, but Blaine holds him steadily, and with his strength slows their descent to the ground. His arms are wrapped tightly around Kurt, who's sobbing into the crook of his boyfriend's neck.

Blaine doesn't say anything, just holds him, holds him, holds him. No questions asked, no soothing nonsense, just the steady, unfaltering embrace and his rapid pulse beating loudly against his chest and Kurt's hand trapped between their bodies, still clutching his NYADA letter.

Kurt doesn't know for how long they are kneeling on the hard, unforgiving asphalt. His tears just won't subside. From the back of his mind, he remembers some arbitrary facts from the biology classes about how the body consists of seventy per cent water, or was it two thirds? He wonders for how long he has to cry, to drain his body.

"I'm ruining your shirt," he hiccups, and tries to wipe away the tear stains on Blaine's pink, short sleeved shirt. Blaine gently folds his fingers around Kurt's wrists to stop him from fussing, and kisses his forehead.

"I love you," he murmurs sadly, and helps Kurt back up on his feet.

Kurt almost collapses against him again, belated tremors running through him, and his knees buckle, but Blaine has him. With one arm around his waist and the other running gently through his hair, he lets him take a moment leaning against his body to regain his equilibrium.

When Kurt can put his own weight on his own two sensibly shoed feet, Blaine tucks his hand into Kurt's right pocket to get to his car keys. They were only meeting to open the letters together, before going back to the Hudson-Hummel's for a hopefully celebratory lunch, so Kurt only brought the bare necessities, and no messenger bag. Like a mannequin, he lets Blaine manhandle his clothes and body; extricating the keys from his tight pocket, escorting him to the other side of the car, and opens the passenger door for Kurt. Kurt climbs in, with Blaine steadying him, and he's too numb to do anything but slump down in the seat.

Blaine rests a comforting hand on his thigh, leans in to press a soft kiss against his cheek, and buckles him up in the seat belt. Kurt feels like a baby. Kurt isn't able to do anything about it, though.

"I love you," Blaine says again, and runs around the car to take the driver's seat.

Kurt looks at him as he gets ready behind the wheel, trying through a curtain of tears to express his gratitude to Blaine. The boy simply smiles sadly at him, and gently lifts his hand to kiss his knuckles. Just as gentle, he places it back in Kurt's lap, where it goes back to curl the letter between his ten fingers. Blaine looks at him once more, before he ignites the engine and takes them away from the haunted building behind them.

* * *

Blaine kills the engine in the driveway of the Hudson-Hummel's. He stares out of the window without really seeing anything. There are no other cars in the driveway, and the garage door is open, which means there's nobody home. Both Carole and Burt are working. He remembers Kurt giddily telling him about how excited Burt had been when Kurt got the letter stating he was a finalist for NYADA, and had called dibs on telling Blaine the good news. Burt is probably the most devoted father Blaine knows, rooting enthusiastically for his son, and encouraging him to follow his dreams. If he could have gone with him to McKinley, he would have, but he'd honoured the friends' pact to open the letters together, alone. Blaine should probably text Burt a heads up, knowing he won't be home from the garage for several hours. Blaine isn't quite sure if he's relieved or disappointed.

He doesn't know if he can give Kurt whatever he desperately needs now; he doesn't know how to comfort him after heartbreaking news like these. They hadn't really ever considered a rejection once he actually got to audition, because Kurt is so obviously talented and had nailed _The Boy Next Door_, so Blaine can't understand why his amazing, unique boyfriend didn't get accepted to NYADA. How do you comfort someone who's had their dreams shattered? Isn't this a job for a parent, someone who's known him for so much longer than Blaine has?

On the other hand, he's glad the house is empty, so that they don't have to explain anything for anyone yet. Kurt seems unable to string a single simple sentence, and Blaine would prefer not having to say it out loud yet. He just wants to be alone with Kurt, and hold him until he's stopped shivering and his cheeks are dry.

He swallows heavily, and tries to push aside the choking disappointment he feels on behalf of Kurt. He still isn't quite used to the thought of Kurt in New York, despite his misguided efforts at keeping his distance, trying to get used to life without Kurt. But at least that had been a plan they were working towards, and they had discussed flight and train time tables and compared school schedules to make tentative plans for which weekends to visit each other. Blaine had tried so hard to be optimistic about his Senior year, with Kurt in New York, and after their talk where Kurt described how he saw them as the happier version of _The Notebook_, he'd been much calmer. They'd survive the long distance-thing, they'd make it, Kurt promised. He's had most of their Junior year getting used to this, trying to fit in at McKinley after transferring from Dalton, and make friends with the New Directions before Kurt leaves him. But now? What do they do know?

He licks his lips, and takes a deep breath, before getting out of the car. On the other side of the car, Kurt slumps out through the door, and shambles with heavy feet towards the door. It's a worrying sign of how off Kurt is, wearing his soles out unnecessarily like that.

Kurt stops in front of the door, looking quizzically at it as if he's forgotten how to unlock it. Blaine wraps an arm around his waist, and Kurt leans against him while Blaine again rummages his crazily tight pockets for the keys. The hunt quickly comes out successful, and he guides Kurt inside. The boy leans apathetic and catatonic against the small dresser in the hallway, where Blaine knows the family has all kinds of hats, umbrellas, mittens, sun screen, and other necessities it can be useful to grab on their way out.

He kneels to help Kurt out of his intricately laced shoes. He's not wearing a jacket in the warm summer weather, so Blaine quickly toes off his own shoes, and with a hand on the smaller of his back leads him upstairs to Kurt's room.

Kurt instantly face plants on his bed, while Blaine peals off his cardigan and bowtie before he joins him, climbing on his knees until he's next to his boyfriend, while he unbuttons the top two buttons of his polo shirt. With the warm June sun shining right into Kurt's room through two large, naked windows, it's stiflingly warm in here. He lies down next to him, and Kurt curls up as close as he can possibly get, with his face pressed against Blaine's bared collar bone. His hands travel down to Blaine's belt, and he untucks his shirt to put his hands on Blaine's skin, resting his fingers sprawled out on his stomach. He shuffles even closer, shoving a foot between Blaine's. Blaine wraps his arms tighter around Kurt, and lets him cry his heart out while he with blunt nails claws at his skin as if it can get him even closer.

"I love you," Blaine repeats for the umptenth time, "we'll figure it out."

Kurt is crying in his arms, and each shiver and each sob breaks Blaine's heart a little more. He blinks rapidly to stop the tears, but then remembers he doesn't have to be A Man in front of Kurt, it's okay to show his emotions in front of his boyfriend, and he'll never think less of him for that, unlike _some_ others. Kurt, who's given Blaine so much, made his life not simply better, but transformed him to the bright butterfly he'd never dared hoping to become. Thanks to Kurt, Blaine feels more like Blaine, and he's learned to shed the masks and trust that his boyfriend and friends accept him for who he is. Wonderfully brilliant, painfully honest, stubbornly patient, and generously kind-hearted Kurt, who had deserved a completely different letter.

"_Say goodbye to not knowing when  
__the truth in my whole life began.  
__Say goodbye to not knowing how to cry,  
__You taught me that._"

Blaine sings softly for Kurt, remembering how beautiful he'd been, standing in the choir room and singing his heart out with the same song as his goodbye, this intriguing juxtapose of strength and vulnerability that Blaine is so truly attracted to in Kurt.

"_I learned to let go of the illusion that we can possess,  
__I learned to let go, I travel in stillness,  
__And I'll remember happiness  
__I'll remember._"

He knows how Kurt has built his entire future on NYADA, with no back up-plan, and this isn't what was supposed to happen, and Blaine can't even begin to imagine how it feels to have your dream ripped away from under your feet.

The world is a cruel, cruel place when it doesn't recognize how mesmerizing and overwhelmingly talented Kurt is. His audition had blown Blaine's mind completely off, and he still has vivid dreams about it. Blaine just can't understand, Kurt is too good for NYADA anyway. But it doesn't make him any less lost.

Kurt is working himself up, crying until he coughs, and then cries some more. Blaine tries to sing some more, hoping it'll calm him down, but it's impossible not to shed some tears for Kurt. Blaine knows he has to be the strong one now, just like Kurt was strong for him after _the slushie incident_ involving people he'd considered friends.

With a shaky voice, a big lump in his throat and blurry eyes, he sings the song he sang the first time he met this boy, the love of his life. But he chooses the slowed down ballad-version that he's been messing around with on the piano back home whenever he's imagined Kurt in New York and had a taste of missing him.

"_My heart stops  
__When you look at me  
__Just one touch  
__Now baby I believe  
__This is real  
__So take a chance and  
__Don't ever look back,  
__Don't ever look back._"

It isn't fair, Kurt shouldn't have to experience this pain and defeat. Blaine would do anything to help him, but he feels useless, helpless, not doing anything but holding him.

"_I finally found you  
__My missing puzzle piece  
__I'm complete,_" he sings, and he thinks I love you, I love you, I love you, please feel my love, please, don't forget that I'm still here, I love you so much.

"I love you," he says out loud, just in case Kurt doesn't remember in his fog of hurt. His boyfriend stills somewhat in his arms, his sobs are muffled, and for a while, he's just pressing himself against Blaine's body, with a few loud sniffs revealing his pain. But then his mind must have taken him to a bad place, 'cause he convulses and goes rigid in Blaine's embrace.

* * *

The three magical words never fail to make Kurt feel tremendously better, and for what seems like a long time, he's able to calm himself down, control his crying, and just cling to Blaine as the lifeline he is to him. He closes his eyes to not go dizzy from lying too close to Blaine, and he can't help how his thoughts drift back to the music room. He didn't get in. He didn't get in! And he'd gambled everything on one hand, he's doomed, he has no future, and he'll be a Lima Loser working at The Lima Bean while Sebastian sharpens his claws and circles Blaine, and he won't be able to do anything to improve his high school diploma, so he won't get anywhere closer to New York next year either, so Blaine will leave him behind, going after Rachel and Finn to what was supposed to be their city, because Blaine is amazing and anyone would be an idiot to reject Blaine, and he has Tony and solos under his belt and can still do more wonderful things his Senior year, and Kurt really hasn't got anything, and he's worthless, and how can this ever turn into something good? He'll work in his dad's garage until his 47, at least, oh god, that was not the future he wanted, he wanted to escape Lima and live happily ever after with his boyfriend, and where is that promise ring Blaine gave him, he needs to know it's still in its box in the top drawer of Kurt's night stand, and what if he's lost it, will Blaine think he doesn't take their relationship seriously, and fuck, he should never have given Chandler his number…

Kurt chokes on air, and gulps down mouthfuls that never reach his lungs. He blinks and blinks, but the tears just won't stop falling. His nose slides on Blaine's wet collar bone, how did that happen, and he crawls even closer to Blaine. He needs to feel his solid boyfriend under his hands and against his body. He needs to know that something is still real, when everything else in his life feels as promising as a castle in the cloud. He needs the reassurance that he at least still has Blaine, for a little more. He moves a hand further up, to rest above where he thinks Blaine's heart is, imagining he can feel it beating against his fingertips.

He needs Blaine. He _needs_ Blaine. Why isn't Kurt allowed to keep anything good in his life, why can't anything come up Hummel's for once? He didn't get Tony, he lost the student president election, he never got any solos after Blaine came to McKinley being all alpha gay and amazing, and now he didn't get NYADA. What is Kurt supposed to do with his life, and why does he constantly have to fight so hard for everything, and still end up with the shorter straw?

A violent shiver runs through his body, and he gasps for air, but he's not even getting that tonight. Tears stream down his face, and he sobs loudly, struggling to get even closer to Blaine, who lets him without complaining about how he's probably scratching his skin. He heaves for air, but his lungs are failing and there must be something wrong with the room, because there's no oxygen left for him. He inhales and inhales and inhales, but he can't get no air.

"Hey," Blaine murmurs, cupping his cheek and running a thumb along his jaw. "Hey-hey-hey, you have to calm down," he murmurs softly, slowly. "Breathe with me, okay?" Blaine whispers, exaggerating inhales and exhales, but Kurt can't tame his throat, and it's as if it's living its own life, refusing to cooperate, and slowly choking him. "Kurt, baby," he can hear Blaine whisper in a distant background, and then soft lips are pressed against his. Blaine exhales into his mouth, and Kurt swallows greedily. He barely separates their lips to get more air, and sends it carefully to Kurt. He repeats. And repeats, all the while giving Kurt a chance to exhale before offering new air from his sweet mouth. Kurt can feel his muscles relax, his lungs hum pleased, and his body sink even further into the mattress, with Blaine half on top of him. They continue this kiss of life, lips resting softly against lips, while Blaine breathes him in and out. Kurt's eyes flutter shut, and he sighs into Blaine's mouth.

"Better?" Blaine asks, and leans back enough to look worriedly at him.

Kurt nods, but a traitorous tear insists on leaving at that moment. Blaine leans in to kiss the corner of his eye, taking the tear with him.

"I just…" Kurt sighs.

"I know, baby. We'll figure something out," Blaine promises, and for some reason, Kurt believes him, not a shred of doubt in him.

"I love you," Kurt insists, because it's really all he has to offer now, and it's all he's got left that he feels certain about. But it's also the most important thing he has; Blaine and their love. What happens next fall, he doesn't know. But they'll figure it out. Together. Because they always do.

* * *

**Lyrics from:**

Madonna – _I'll Remember  
_Katy Perry – _Teenage Dream_


End file.
